Originally Posted by sylent/shooter
A short story for my english class
The engine roared to life as the HMMV moved forward over the rough, sandy ground. The 49th Armoured division had been chosen to liberate a small but crucial town that was under MEC control. This town, un-named, was a very small villageVery basic diction here, if you used something like "quaint hamlet, you could add atmosphere (also see foot note) built on the middle of a desert and surrounded by a mountain range. All supplies to Pakistan and Afghanistan moved through this town. Whoever controlled the town, controlled the Middle Eastern gateway, as was so commonly referred to by high command. And for that very reason was why the 49th Armoured Division was chosen for the task.
Comprised of three M1A2 Abram tanks, one LAVIII or light armoured vehicle and some try a more interesting word here (handful?) fast attack vehicles. The unit was more than equipped to attack this stronghold. Backed by the 49th Armoured infantry battalion, in which was tasked in support of the vehicles, mainly tanks and LAV’s. They were also supposed to clear the town of hostile units.
(Footnote): Try to show the reader, not just tell them. "The village was very small and was in the desert" is not as engaging as "a town consisting of a ramshackle collection of buildings arraigned haphazardly in the barren desert valley" as an example
As the convoy started moving a voice came over themaybe add a adjective? eg: was it crackling, or crisp? radio of the HMMWV. “Men today is the day that we have trained for, we are to attack this town and if possible eliminate the hostile Middle Eastern Coalition forces.” A flurry of activity could be heard over the radio as Sergeants and Lieutenants complied. “Here we go Murphy.” Sergeant Danozo said, “This is what we came to do.” “Yeah.” maybe a Hooah for intrest and immersion? agreed Private Murphy in an excited tone. Both Sergeant Danozo and Private Murphy were men basically un-needed, makes it vauge cut from the same cloth. Lean but athletic, they both came to the army from basically the same area of Canada. Training together, they learned to befriend each other and that friendship grew. The convoy now moving relatively fast, considering the dirt roads and sharp corners, was passing a small outlying village. Women and children were busy tending to fields and gathering water from a small well. Going about, their daily lives as if the moving convoy was nothing to be taken seriously. They seemed to have been around military forces before. “Quite strange,” Danozo said, “ I don’t see any men.” “ Probably inside, taking a nap,” said Murphy “I know I’d like to do that to get out of this heat.” They both chuckled. “Hey Ryans! You see anything up there?” yelled Danozo. “ Nothing.” was the reply from the .50cal turret on the HMMWV. Private Ryans was this squads, gunner on the HMMWV. New blood to the division and the squad, Ryans was imported in from another battalion after the old gunner was killed.
Being the topic of discussion and sometimes jokes, Private Ryans was not a very friendly person, although he was a respectable man, and great with a gun. At only the age of 19 he was the child of the group.
The convoy moved on, through the small village. No contact was made between any enemy forces or militia which made Danozo uneasy. “I was expecting that we come into contact.” he said nodding to Murphy . “ I don’t understand why there has been no-one here.” “Don’t worry about it.” Murphy replied. Just then the general okay, it may not matter that this may be inaccurate, as the general wouldnt really be leading a colum, but the adverage image of a general is very very high rank, and is a bit disconected from the troops, try using a colonel or captain, maybe a bit more personal that way came over the HMMWV radio. “Ok try maybe "all troops" or "all vehicles"? he needs to address someone, we’re going to pull over up here to get our bearings. I want 2 tanks to cover our rear followed by a HMMWV then another tank, HMMWV, LAV, then HMMWV.” you could avoid going into such laborious detail that is quite unnessisary here by paraphrasing what the leader said instead of him saying it, eg "the leader's voice buzzed over the truck's radio, commanding his units to make a pit stop and stay on guard
Pulling over to the side of the road Danozo, got out of the HMMWV, followed by Murphy while Ryans stayed in the turret. Walking over to a tree that offered little protection from the sun which, by now, was shining straight down, the two men encountered General Batton and Lieutenant Parker. more reason to have some one of lower rank than general, as he would be accomplied by maybe a captain or colonel and would be at HQ, maybe field HQ in a M577 or two (havent you seen the movie "Patton" :P) “Well howdy there.” General Batton said. Murphy and Danozo both saluted automatically. “Please, please no need for such formal addresses.” said General Batton, “ We are in fact at war and I don’t want these nitty gritty rules.” side note: there is no salutes on the battlefield due to potential snipers (maybe expain that to the reader instead? he said smiling. Danozo and Murphy looked at each other and nodded to the General, saying “Yes sir” almost in sync. “Now, does anyone know where we are?” asked General Batton. “Yes sir.” replied Lieutenant Parker. He took out a map and pointing to it said “ We’re in A4 keypad1 lol, how about "Grid Alpha 4 Kilo 1? of the map that was supplied to us by military reconnaissance.” un needed “Our current bearing is 270 degrees and we need to go East.”perhaps state the bearing of the road they are on? he said pointing to the map again. “Let me see that map.” said General Batton. Parker handed over the map to General Batton. “Ok it looks to me that if we position two tanks on the outer mounds by the farmers field, we can have cover fire as infantry and fast attack vehicles move in and assault the west wall.” Murphy and Danozo, walked away as General Batton and Lieutenant Parker were continuing to debate the correct fire position and attack plan for assaulting the city.
“ Man those guys.” Murphy said. “Yeah” said Danozo chuckling. Walking back to their parked HMMWV, Murphy and Danozo stopped to survey the surrounding landscape.
Whilst looking around, Murphy noticed a strange shape in a field bordering the road. “ Hey Danozo.” he said anxiously tapping Danozo on the back. “ What you suppose that is?” “ Not a clue.” Danozo replied. “I’ll take a look.” Lifting his scope of his gun to his eye, he adjusted the focus. But unfortunately he could not get a good focus on the target. “ I still can’t tell.” he said.
good!
Yelling back to another HMMWV, Danozo got a hold of the infantry’s marksman squad. “ These guys can tell us.” he said as the two men hurriedly unpacked the M21 rifle and the marker and laid on the ground. “What do you see?” asked Murphy. “Just a sec....” the mans words where cut off by the shear loudness poor diction here, "deafening roar"?of the rockets being launched. ‘OH crap!” Yelled Murphy as a rocket streaked towards their HMMWV. “Ryans get the Hell off that Machine Gun!” “Why?” asked Ryans as he looked towards the field. His eyes widened at the horror that was streaking towards him. He had just enough time to jump out of the hatch onto the ground, as the HMMV exploded behind him. Another rocket streaked towards the HMMWV behind Danozo’s. There was nothing Murphy or Danozo could do as the rocket slammed into the broadside of the vehicle instantly exploding and catching the vehicle and all it’s occupants on fire. The screams of the people dictionthat did not die in the explosion could be heard as they burned alive. By this time, General Batton the Gen. has a rifle? and Lieutenant Parker as well as the marksman squad were returning fire. Danozo and Murphy just stared at the burning HMMWV as Ryans ran past them jumping on his belly and started to shoot. Suddenly military training kicked in and Murphy and Danozo turned around and as Danozo was barking orders, Murphy took out his rifle and started to shoot. Just then the ground started to rumble, and looking just beyond the two enemy in the field was a horror that made Murphy just stop and point. Four enemy T-90 tanks rolled over the mound of dirt behind the two men and stopped. As they stopped they all took shots simultaneously. One of the poorly aimed shots hit the ground just in front of the mound of dirt also know as a Berm in military parlance Murphy, Danozo and the other soldiers were behind. Sending dust and fragments of the shell flying in all directions. Another one, aimed a bit better, diction directly hit the LAVIII instantly creating a explosion and fireball that shot the turret of the vehicle into the sky and landing some 50 feet behind the vehicle. The other two shots hit, their respected targets, when a HMMWV exploded and flipped over and a Fast attack vehicle blew up, injuring four soldiers. Cries of medic and orders could be heard.
“Holy crap!” yelled Murphy, “ I thought we had tank support!” Just as he said that, almost like angels from above, three M1A2 Abrams tanks rolled around the corner of the road and took aim at the T-90's. Three of the T-90's started to turn their turrets towards the new threat, as the Abrams fired. Instantly one of the tanks, exploded in a fireball, while another had it’s turret shot off. The third tank, was hit in the side and as it caught on fire, the crew jumped out of the top hatch and were instantly cut down by machine gun and rifle fire. two uses of the word fire in the same sentence, try replacing one The fourth T-90 started to retreat, pulling backwards from the mound and exposing the underside. A soldier equipped with a AT-4 shoulder mounted rocket, took a shot at the weak underside of the tank, and as the rocket pierced the bottom of the tank,engulphing it in a there was a muffled explosion. edited for pacing and less comma's “Nice shot!” yelled Danozo. “Than...” was the response he got as the man was shot. Yelling to the line, Danozo asked for a SAW light machine gun, to put fire on the enemy position as infantry moved up. As the weapon laid down covering fire, Danozo, Murphy, Ryans, and some other who are they, just some guys? or the fellow infantrymen? infantry moved up to assault the enemy position. As they ran across the open field Danozo heard a muffled thud. When he looked behind him he noticed Murphy lying on the ground face first. Danozo turned around and rushed to the aid of his wounded friend. “Your going to be okay Murphy.” he said “It’ll be okay.”
He continued to comfort his friend while a combat medic came upon the scene. His analysis of Murphy wasn’t the greatest try a synonym?. Murphy had been struck right above the waist, and was bleeding profusely. Good word choice The only way for Murphy to survive was to be medi-vac-ed out of the battle-zone. Danozo picked up Murphy and carried him, on his soldiers back across the field onto the road. He was talking to him the whole time as he tried to stop the bleeding. reminded me of "all quite on the western front", which is a good thing, in fact, you could pull a page from it and elaborate this scene Then off in the distance Danozo heard the faint sound of a blackhawk helicopter. He ran to the General’s HMMWV and picked up a red signaling smoke grenade and tossed it into the field. As the Blackhawk flew over the hill, it saw the red signal smoke and started to make it’s descent. “Everything is gonna be okay.” Danozo said to his friend as the helicopter crew loaded him aboard.
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2009-11-13, 01:30
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